Everything I've Ever Wanted

Want
(Written 2/09)
When I first heard the words, "I have everything I've ever wanted," I thought it was with the addition of something. I also thought, "But there is always something to want."

Now I see what it really meant. We have everything we want the moment we appreciate what we have.

We often read about celebrities with seemingly charmed lives struggling with substance abuse or other challenges, engaging in fruitless searches for outward satisfaction.

I grew up in a place of affluence, of titles and top grades and "reach" and "safety" schools. My classmates were the children of lawyers, doctors and corporate executives. I loathed the pressure to fit in. I rejected the idea of doing community service because it showed I was "well-rounded" on college applications.

Yet up until recently I felt a little inferior, believing I "should" have more. I thought the more I chased, the more I'd receive. But the more I chased, the more I lost.

I've finally stopped chasing. Once I learned to look inside for the validation I used to seek outside, I found the ability to keep what I wanted without ever losing a sense of how I got there. I learned everything we could ever need--everything we could ever want--is already here inside us.

Embrace it.

Want Two
(Written 2/10)
Tonight I wrote down the words, “How do we NOT want what we want?” (Answer: Want what we already have). I was partially brainstorming my book, specifically ways of enacting confidence. The book is about breaking the illusion of having to be “great” to be “enough,” or, in contrast, thinking we are destined to settle for less because we will never stand at the height of the "greats." It began as an inspirational book, segued into a memoir, and is now the ol' autobiographical first-novel. I may change it back to memoir, although the prose is written in novelesque prose.

The truth is: we are all capable of greatness if we release our expectations of what we don’t have and better appreciate what we do. And remember: there are many definitions of greatness. Growing up, my dad was the greatest man who ever lived. In many ways, he still is.

Scientists suggest we use only a minute portion of our brains. I believe we use a minute portion of our talents through roadblocks constructed through negative thinking. We don’t think we have the resources because we don’t create them.

Last year, I started to write in a way much different from before. I didn’t think about how the writing sounded or if it was grammatically correct. I wrote essays, poems and short stories. I started one novel and created the outlines for two others. I wasn’t writing for a newspaper or a contest. I was writing for myself.

Through this, I recovered the person I had lost. I shattered an internal writers block, the culmination of years of holding back to wait for someone to tell me I was good enough. I lost who I was because I hadn’t fully accepted myself and was expecting everyone else to. I write now almost every day. Despite some stumbles along the way, I haven’t lost belief in myself since (at least, not for very long).

Toward the end of the film (500) Days of Summer, the protagonist pulls himself out of his heartache by re-discovering his true passion: architecture. He stopped looking for someone else to complete his life.

He was, at last, the architect of his own destiny. (Sorry, couldn't resist the pun). ;)

We are all the owners of our own fate. Even if external roadblocks stymie us, pushing us adrift in waves of doubt, we have the power to swim back to shore. The only way we’ll sink is if we believe we can’t swim.

Recently, I was accepted into Western Connecticut State University’s MFA program in Creative and Professional Writing. A year ago, I wasn’t even contemplating returning to graduate school. I also didn’t think I would become the unofficial organizer of a writers group (which is how I learned about the MFA program).

I used to think I had to escape somewhere else to be happy. Later, I thought once everything “came together” outside, everything would fall into place inside. I learned it is the precise opposite, and am grateful to those who helped me discover the truth. Create happiness right now for yourself, because happiness won’t grow somewhere else. It must start within.