Why Mr. Right Comes When You Least Expect It

In my conversations for a 40+ singles piece for a Fairfield County, CT women's magazine, I learned being single feels largely the same, whether you’re 49 or 29. All the women agreed their lives have become more meaningful single, giving them the opportunity to grow in ways they hadn’t needed to before. They learned their worth existed within themselves, not through a partner, career or dream home.

I can relate. For a long time, I thought Mr. Right was the final puzzle piece to a full and healthy life. It is precisely the opposite. Through being single the last two years, I’ve learned happiness can’t last through a relationship or job that can end. It can only exist in the moments we create, whatever our situation.

Women need to fulfill themselves, instead of waiting for a relationship--in the form of the proverbial knight-in-shining armor--to complete them. According to psychologists Marilyn J. Krieger and Mary C. Lamia, authors of The White Knight Syndrome, white knights see themselves as selfless when their behavior is often destructive. Problems occur when white knights care for their partners at the expense of their own needs. Often, they enable their partners, trying to make decisions for them.

I used to cringe at the expression, Mr. Right comes when you least expect it. “But you’re always looking,” I told a friend, exasperated. A single person usually is, even when looking simply means being open to a relationship. We go to a friend’s party or even the local deli wondering if we’ll meet someone there. In the meantime, we’ve created a robust life on our own.

Today, I understand why Mr. Right comes when you least expect it. It’s not because we’ve gotten too busy to think about it, or given up completely. It’s because we’ve built a life not needing him to be happy.